Ten Tips on How to Deal with Losing a Relationship

  1. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can bypass the grieving process by jumping into another relationship right away. You are betting against the odds if you do this.
  2. If you are overwhelmed by the pain of separation, betrayal, etc., try dealing with the pain and distress by using intense exercise suitable to your level of health and fitness. Check with your doctor about this, since you probably are not in a good place to evaluate what your body can safely do for you.
  3. Use tactical/combat breathing to get through painful surges of distress.
  4. Listen to relaxation audios. They can give you relief when you are down.
  5. You may be too stressed to do this, but, if you can, try focusing. It is the best way to get to the bottom of what is making this so hard for you and what set you up for it. Focusing will help you to understand why it’s so painful, and to see it in a clearer light. We have explained how to do focusing earlier in this blog. It isn’t easy, but also is not very hard to do.
  6. Watch out! Be careful about making major life decisions before you have worked through the loss. Decisions you make after experiencing a loss, whether a rejection, or a mutually agreed upon split, cannot be trusted. You are in pain and please don’t make decisions that will later produce more pain.
  7. Look for guidance by trusted others. Don’t choose others who are bitter over their own lost relationships. Choose those who have demonstrated the ability to form stable relationships.
  8. This is a good time to put some serious effort into psychotherapy. By “serious effort” we mean you go into therapy with the idea that it is your opportunity to review whether your relationships are distorted by old realities from your past. As Freud wisely said “Our patients suffer from reminiscences and neglect present reality in their favor”. Therapists aren’t embedded in the web that you are trying to exit, and you need this outsider’s viewpoint.
  9. Don’t fall for any explanation that is something like “Why did this happen? Because I am crap! “. That’s someone else’s story, and of no use to you at all.
  10. This is a hard one, but once you move your focus from how terrible and unfair your former partner has been to how you are going to shift to a new and better life, the better off you will be.


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